So, I was looking through my files and apparantly I wrote this. Huh. But I don't own it. No really, I don't.

Description: Okay, this arose from a series of posts in a couple of different places. Angel as Batman. Buffy as Superman. Spike as Wonder Woman. Spike wearing Wonder Woman’s clothes. Sauron as suffering the T-Rex syndrome. Sauron as the T-Rex from Toy Story Harry Potter. The whole thing as a musical.

So, I have a visual of the characters from Toy Story doing Lord of the Rings.

Bad Visual

The T-Rex is Sauron and Wonder-Spike is just sort of standing there in the Lego (arms akimbo – wait, no, Tick get out of there) fort, err…shining city (cause there’s a lamp pointed at it).

Angel, who is wearing a cowl-less Batman outfit, is having a moment grieving, brooding, repeatedly plugging in a candle shaped Christmas ornament, for his lost, forgotten son.

Wonder-Spike would bop Bat-Angel, but he can’t move his hands away from his hips.

“Son?” says Wesley, who is wearing a trench coat and smoking cigarettes and looking a bit trench coat brigade seedy, bops Bat-Angel with his staff (hey, this is a kid’s movie, get your mind out of the gutter). Wesley then says something really British and cool and simultaneously John Constantine/Gandalf/Wesley-ish.

“Cor, Bloody Hell, Blimy.” says Wonder-Spike, rotating 360 degrees at the waist, “I was bloody well going to sodding say that!”

“Nice bathing suit Wonder-Spike,” says Wesley and because, no really this is a children’s story, there is not a bit with Wonder-Spike’s rope, a trebuchet, and a jar of chocolate sauce. Suffice to say, there are manly tears and everyone goes off to fight Orcs.

Course, the Orcs are from the Dungeons and Dragons play set, so they an inch tall, but you know, there are lots of them. Plus dice slamming periodically into the glowing Lego City.

Meanwhile, up on top of the great wooden bookshelf, Batman, wearing only his painted on skivvies and his cowl, says, “That should be me down there brooding. The cape doesn’t even fit right!”

“Tell me about it.” says Wonder Woman, wearing Barbie’s bathrobe.

Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a daily metropolitan newspaper, in his best blue suit, wisely says nothing and continues to play scrabble with Mr. Teddy.

Meanwhile, meanwhile, back at Zaha!doooom/little plastic mountain, Sauro-Rex leaps about, “Guys, guys, I’m really evil and I want to take over the world. Roar.”

Xander and Anya, who have been having a bout of inappropriate wedding planning in the pillows of Zaha!doooom/little plastic mountain, realize that they are holding up the triumphal, yet sad ending and get on with walking to Zaha!doooom/little plastic mountain.

Also, somewhat earlier, there was a heartfelt, Dawn/glowy ball of energy/Golem, “I have a split personality.” musical number. Perhaps, while Xander and Anya were sleeping/climbing the steps/dresser drawers. Something really tasteful. Kinda artsy. Bare stage. Minimalist props. Probably the dresser top. That way there’s the huge mirror. You know, a whole reflection duality thing. Some sort of fluttering fabric from mom’s scrap box. All “Ho, ho, ho, who’s got the last laugh now.” But you know, in a thoroughly ring deranged sort of way.

“Where do we go from here?”

Oh, off stage, Bo Peep swoons longingly for her beloved Sheriff Ranger.

Bat-Angel, who wants his own musical number, wanders the Lincoln log streets of Lego Shining City singing, “Going Through the Motions.” Fortunately, Super-Buffy cannot hear him from the Living Room.

Wesley can hear him. Wesley says, “This is our last best hope for…um…peace.” and sends Space Adventure Pippin to jump off the desk, do a backflip off the drum, fly, and light that stash of grey candle wax in the Foldiers can. On the nightstand, tiny shivering army men carefully light the candle in front of the picture of Jesus signed by Great Grandma Lukensmeyer. The bold, but fearful, army men, on the shoe stand outside the door, which has been converted into an alter to Queen Barbie Head/Neferteri, light the jasmine candle of sacred ooogent. The electrified and not worried about fire army men, in the bathroom across the way, flash the emergency flashlight through the door into the Family room. The terrified, but brave army men, stationed on the T.V., rappel up the wall to light all seven candles on the vine shaped sconce. The singed, but dedicated army men, in the doorway to the Dining room, fling a match into the candle mass in the blue cut glass globe. The relieved army men by the fireplace in the Living room (which is really just the other end of the Dining room) flick the gas switch and light the fire.

Sheriff Aragorn runs up the foot stool cushions into the fort that pillows made. Standing at the ottoman door, he says in a carrying voice, “The signal lights are lit.”

Harry Potter stands in the hall of his school, fingering his scarf. He turns to Sheriff Aragorn and says, “And Hogwarts will answer.” Harry turns to his right hand man, Glass Unicorn, and says, “Send to the east and gather the forces of the cast of <i>A Shoggoth on the roof.</i> Send to the south and gather the forces of the Slytherin hand puppets, because this is a time to set aside, bladdy, blah differences. Send to the south-east and gather the horses toys. We will wait at the foothills of Family room Lazy-Boy, hidden from the prying eye of the hidden camera in the kitchen clock (I was fairly convinced that my mother was monitoring cookie intake.), until the next plot point.”

Walking, Walking, walking – Then there’s this whole digression where Sheriff Aragorn and Wonder-Spike, his arms akimbo (don’t ask me how he got there), and Hagrid, the world’s tallest dwarf, head into the cabinet under the bar where the canned peaches of the undead are kept in search of the dread plush Cuthulu. Not dead, but getting dusty.

Anyway, standing on the Lazy-Boy, looking at the assembled horse plush toys, horse figurines, horse plastic toys (hello, girl in the house), Harry Potter cued the stereo and said,

“Is this the little child I carried? Is this the little boy at play?”
Glass Unicorn-(Btw – Glass Unicorn’s horn is glued on. There was a tragic accident a few years back. Try not to stare.)
I don’t remember growing older. When did they?
Harry Potter-
When did the world grow so dark? When did they grow to be so tall?
Glass Unicorn-
Wasn't it yesterday when they were small and the world was bright?
Cast of Shoggoth on the Roof and Harry Potter (whose voice is cracking nicely into a tenor)-
sunrise, sunset. sunrise, sunset. swiftly flow the days. seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers blossoming even as we gaze
Cast of Shoggoth on the Roof and Glass Unicorn
sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset. swiftly fly the years. one season following another laden with happiness and tears.
Harry Potter-
what words of wisdom can I give them? How can I help to ease their way in battle?
Glass Unicorn-
now they must fight by one another, strike by strike.
Everyone-
sunrise, sunset, sunrise, sunset, swiftly fly the years. One season following another laden with happiness and tears.

The forces of Hogwarts march to the entry to the Bedroom. Before them there is a vast sea of nuts, D&D figurines, WWI German army figures, some small artillery, Kleenix clad toys.

Harry turns to his too small, too few, too lucky, weary few, brought so far following the still flickering candle lights. Carrying his broom, he says, “Insert Saint Crispin’s Day speech here.” And the troops cheered. And then in too thin and crescent wave, they charged into and through the mass of prickling toothpicks/pikes.

Fortunately, unknown to them, (Although how they didn’t notice her in the red, white and yellow Supergirl outfit, I can’t say.) Super-Buffy has snuck into their forces to join the fight.

The massed charge and weight of the plush animals scattered the nuts and figure eights of the enemy.

But then from the window sill bench, a new threat arose. Five inflatable Republican Party Elephants (and before anyone takes offense and says anything either way, my grandfather was a Republican in the SD House of Representatives, I had several inflatable Republican elephants. Very cool when going on safari in the Living room) lumbered across the room. All of a sudden, the plush animals didn’t seem so big before the airy animal might of the Relephants.

There was a hum in the air. “Smiles. Black hat, white tie and tails. Smiles.” whispered the Relephants, who were all wearing black paper top hats for some reason, as they marched forward to crush the enemy beneath their mighty air filled feet. Oh, and there was some racial stereotyping on the part of the red nosed paper cut out gnomes, who were taped to the backs of the Relephants.

“To me, form the dance line,” cried out Harry Potter.

And lock step the cast of <i>A Shoggoth on the Roof</i> began to glissando slide walk, start, stop, music counter point, down the pile of books. Rap, tap, tap. “Like a Shoggoth on the roof,” They sang, led by their director/lead singer, Tevye Snape.

Super-Buffy grew bored with this and ran forward armed with a mighty pin. Darting between the massive legs of an enormous Relephant, she…it reared and drew a box in the air with its trunk, “Hey, no poking. Respect the air integrity.” Super-Buffy shrugged and mimed stab, stab, stab, stabbing its legs. The Relephant rolled over and played dead. The gnomes would have been crushed, but they were paper and therefore flat. However, they kept humming “Puttin’ on the Ritz” until Super-Buffy pretended to kill them.

Tevye Snape twirled his wand and pointing it at a Relephant, he began a furious series of staccato taps (that’s why he brought the hardcover books.). It shuddered at the blows of the um….taps.

“Hey,” said Super-Buffy. “No fair. I did like fighting and stuff. What’s with the tap killing.”

“You do what you can love.” said Wonder-Spike, nimbly running up the side of a Relephant, his arms akimbo, but there was some lasso action, and therefore fan gurls sighed, “Let me rest in peace.” Slow legato, kick. “Let me get some sleep,” Diminuendo reprise, and High kick, turn, “I did it my way.” Spin kick, “Life’s not a song.” Tap, tap, tap, spin, jazz akimbo hands, tap, tap, tap, on the Relephant’s head, “So, bugger this and Call me Casanova, Eternal Life, and don’t forget my dog, Astronomy, or the life that never warms.” The Relephant fell over.

“That counts as one,” said Hagrid, the worlds tallest and in this instance, most confused, dwarf. Hagrid brushed off a couple of mini-orcs.

“Yeah, whatever. I don’t even know where I’m supposed to be in the continuity of this story.” said Wonder-Spike, who Jooss-type lunged himself (you wouldn’t think you could do that deep a lunge , but that’s where wearing Wonder Woman’s bathing suit comes in handy.) off the battle field and back to brooding Bat-Angel.

Brooding, brooding, brooding, Bat-Angel sings, “Mandy, oh, Mandy, give in to the music of the night. It’s a lot like life. Master and Servant. Oh, Hello Wonder-Spike. Sob, music of the night.”

Meanwhile, Buffy is flying (um…jumping in the air) around bopping Mr. Potato Head (the witch king) who is riding around on the slinky dog (his terrifying wyvern).

“No man can kill me!” cackles, um, yells, um, says Mr. Witch Potato.

“I’m no man.” says Super-Buffy, fairly redundantly, given the cut and jib of her wonder bra reinforced outfit.

And with a “Hi-ya!” she kicks slinky dog, who says, “Ow! Don’t hit so hard.”

“Oh, I’m sorry!” says Super-Buffy, who then turns to stab the Witch Potato with her, um, where’s her sword? A group of army men run up with a large nail with a bit of tape wrapped around the head and hand it to her. Super-Buffy “stabs” the Witch Potato with her terrible swift nail.

The Witch Potato sort of spins around, clutches the nail under his arm and yells, “I’m melting!” and falls down. Waives his arms around, “Dying, dying, killed by a slip of a girl, dying, dying, dying, why didn’t I think that ‘no man can kill me’ thing through, dying, dying, dying.”

Space Adventure Pippin leans over and tells Witch Potato that maybe he should die already so they can get on with the battle. Plush Cuthulu is getting restless.

Sauro-Rex leaps around some more. “Guys, ring-wraiths, guys, I think they’re almost here. Someone please save your Dark Evil Lord.” He waves his widdle, itty, bitty arms around. The ring wraiths/assorted toys wearing Kleenex, start back, but then, Plush Cuthulu arrives on the paper pirate ship with Sheriff Aragorn. Cuthulu shines a flashlight at the ring wraiths, makes some light saber noises and everyone wearing Kleenix falls down.

Having finally arrived at Zaha!doom/little plastic mountain, Anya and Xander briefly argue about throwing the paper ring from the J.C. Penny’s catalog into the maw of Zaha!doooom/little plastic mountain, but Dawn/green glowy energy/Golum grabs the ring and says, “Oh, give me that already,” shoves the bit of red tissue paper out of the way and jumps into Zaha!doooom/little plastic mountain.

Sauro-Rex tips, slooowwwly, flails his little, itty, bitty arms around, and falls over.

There was much rejoicing.

Even Angel smiles.

Super-Buffy does back flips and hooks up with the easy bake oven.

Tragically, Anya and Wesley, will now have to leave on the all purpose Pirate ship, but eyeing Wesley’s stubble, Anya declares, “So, Gandalf, why does a wizard’s staff have a knob at the end?”

Even more tragically, Wonder-Spike has to drink his glog through a straw, because he still can’t move his arms from his hips. Course with Barbies around, that’s not really a problem. “Still the prettiest.” He smirks and saunters off, arms akimbo, with Swan Lake Barbie, Up-Town Barbie and Astronaut Barbie.

Skip(per) goes off to play gin rummy with Dawn.

“Pockets,” says the Tick, “Arthur, “I have pockets!” And a watery tart hands