[Enter Xander of Oxnard, Anyanka his demon of vengeance, and Glory, dressed as Ben]

I am invited, sir, to certain offices,
My present business calls me from you now.
I commend you to your content.

He that commends me to mine own content
Commends me to the thing I cannot get.
I to the world am like a drop of water
That in the ocean seeks another drop,
Who, falling there to find his fellow forth,
Unseen, inquisitive, confounds himself:
So I, to find my brother Xander
And my other brother Xander,
In quest of them, unhappy, lose myself.

Yes, well, then adieu.

[Exit Ben/Glory]

I’ll go bear to the Motel 6, where we host,
To see about the hammer that I did request,
Wander here, Anyanka, till I come to thee.
Within this hour it will be dinner-time:
Then we’ll return and sleep within mine inn,
For with long travel I am stiff and weary
And mean to keep you warm in my bed,
Get thee away and as you love me,
Let sleep black vengeance in its hollow cell!

I am the very model of a modern vengeance demon-al,
I've ven-ged vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I know the kings of England, and I caused the fights historical
From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters defenestral,
I understand eviscerations, both the simple and quadratical,
About transformial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news,
With cheerful facts about a transformation into a hippopotamus.

[Enter Demon chorus]

With cheerful facts about a transformation into a hippopotamus.
With cheerful facts about a transformation into a hippopotamus.
With cheerful facts about a transformation into a hippopotamus.

I know our mythic history, Count Dracul’s and Sir Caradoc's;
I answer weeping women, I've a pretty taste for giving pox,
I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus, In wishes I can make peculiarities parabolous;
I have learnt of progress has been made in modern gunnery,
I know more of men’s lies than a novice in a nunnery--
In short, I've a smattering of elemental strategy,
You'll say a better vengeance demon-al has never grant a curse.

You'll say a better vengeance demon-al has never grant a curse. You'll say a better vengeance demon-al has never grant a curse.
You'll say a better vengeance demon-al has never grant a curse.

For my vengeance knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury,
Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century;
But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern vengeance demon-al.

But still, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, She is the very model of a modern vengeance demon-al.

Ahn, the quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath: it is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes:
'Tis mightiest in the mightiest: it becomes
The throned monarch better than his crown;
His sceptre shows the force of temporal power,
But mercy is above this sceptred sway;
When mercy seasons justice. Therefore, demon,
Though justice be thy plea, consider this,
That, in the course of justice, none of us
Should see salvation: we do pray for mercy;
And that same prayer doth teach us all to render
The deeds of mercy.

So, sweetest of the scoobies,
With your firm and supple tight embrace,
No vengeance hobbies please.

[Exit Xander of Oxnard]

Well, lots of men being unfaithful
Very exciting trends in the scorned
Women market and I don’t wanna
Be left out.

[Enter Dawn dressed as Don]

A little more than kin, and less than kind.

Less than she and greater.
I am but a pip in her mill that she would grind and grind
Given no more notice than a flea

Vengeance! plague! death! confusion!
Don’t you just wish…

[Enter Glory/Ben attended by minions]

Ah, foiled by fate.

You'll cry for this, minions, if I have to beat you down.

He that hath the key of key,
he that openeth, and no man shutteth;
and shutteth, and no man openeth;
and hast not denied my name

Oh, most creamy Glorificus,
As if any would dare to deny thy name,
Which is not written,
Since you are before and after.

So, have you seen my key?
It was green and glowy, but now it could look like anything.
An odd bodkin, a jerkin, a skin of sack, a sack of skin, a toaster.

To be a key, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die to this life:
To sleep no more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That this flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die to this life:
To wake; To wake: perchance to waking dream:
I who serve as key to the undiscover'd country
From whose bourn, No traveller returns,
Am puzzled in my willful choosing.
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action
[To Glory]
Nope, haven’t seen it.

Clubs, bills, and partisans! strike! beat you down!
If you tell me not the truth of the matter.

There may be trouble ahead,
But while there’s moonlight
And music and love and romance
Let’s face the music and dance
There may be teardrops to shed
That’s why the fiddlers have fled.
But to dance with me is pay the bill
I haven’t seen your key,
Bodkin glowy or otherwise.

[Minion hands Glory Ben’s jacket, which Glory puts on]

There was a woman here a moment ago,
And as I am poor little Aud,
I think she’s mad.

I commend you to your content.

Yes, well, For I'm called Little Aud -- dear Little Aud,
Though I could never tell why,
But still I'm called Aud -- poor little Aud,
Sweet Little Aud I!

[Enter Xander of Sunnydale]

Ah, fair maid,Ask me no reason why I love you; for though
Love use Reason for his physician, he admits him
not for his counsellor. You are young, so to
am I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry,
so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: would you desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress,--at the least, if the love of an officer can suffice, hat I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tis ot a officer like phrase: but I say, love me. By me, Thine own true knight, By day or night, or any kind of light, With all his might, For thee to fight, I am Xander, What’s your sign?

Tarantara, tarantara!

[Exit Anyanka and Xander of Sunnydale, passing Wesley, as Joan the Vampire Slayer.]

[Aside] Conceal me what I am, and be my aid
For such disguise as haply shall become
The form of my intent. When lass they see,

In boyish guise, they’ll think they know what they do not.

Good morrow young lass.

You will see in present days how
This pretty lad will prove our country's bliss.

[Exit Dawn]

Father, love deserves my thanks; but my desert
Unmeritable shuns your high request.
First if all obstacles were cut away,
And that my path were even to Watcher,
As my ripe revenue and due by birth
Yet so much is my poverty of spirit,
So mighty and so many my defects,
In your Cyclops laughless eyes,
That I’d rather play the girlish Slayer,
That I’d rather hide me from myself,
Being a bark to brook mighty sea,
Than in my greatness covet to be sail,
And in the vapour of my borrowed glory smother.
[Black clad commandoes run across stage]

[Enter Buffy and Faith from opposite sides of the stage]

In that it is Tuesday, have you seen a young lad,
So, high and much wroth?

Your, pardon good lady, but I have not.

I am Faith, and in Faith,I have but lately arrived
And have met none but you two.

[Vampire walks across stage.]

Pardon me for a moment, I see a cat.

[Exuent Buffy following Vampire]

Good evening, Faith. How well and handsome you look! What a rosy complexion! and how strong you seem;
Why, you could strangle a demon surely!

Yes, indeed, I really think I could. It's because I do
gymnastics and practice the bottom-kicking dance.

My, what superb breasts!I mean, I am mad
For gazing on your beams, fair sun, being by.

Gaze where you should, and that will clear your sight.

As good to wink, sweet love, as look on night.
If I were such to love a woman, it should be you.

I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,
You are feeling me as if I were a beast for sacrifice.
Now, some women like to say,
Come back with your shield or on it,
But, there was this horny old man,
Lycurgus, who reformed stuff in Sparta
From where I hail
He ordered that the young women
Should go naked in the processions,
As well as the young men, and dance,
Singing certain songs,
While the young men and women stood around,
Seeing and hearing them
And being all inspired.
So, I say, I’m in the mood to dance.

[Vampire and Girl in Tweed walk across stage]

Idiot, a blue berry scone am I.

[Exit Wesley after vampire]

Xander, I like your new looks.

Not yellow in my mind, though black in my legs.
I think we do know the sweet roman hand.

Slut.

Oh, God’s Balls.
Later.

[Exit and Faith]

So, very, very bored.

Yeah and verily. While I do know that
Though upon our scant vacation,
This brochure did vaunt that,
God does hate shrimp, and that,
“Whatsoever hath no fins
Nor scales in the waters,
that shall be an abomination unto you.”
And yet, that was one boring universe.

A world of nothing but shrimp. I want to play now.
Or take a bath.

[Exit Vamp Willow]

I had rather be a canker in a hedge than a rose in
Angelic grace, and it better fits my blood to be
disdained of all than to fashion a carriage to rob
love from any: in this, though I cannot be said to
be a flattering honest man, it must not be denied
but I am a plain-dealing villain. I am trusted with
a muzzle and enfranchised with a clog; therefore I’d
Decree not to sing in my cage. If I had my
mouth, I would bite; if I had my liberty, I would do
my liking: in the meantime let me drink..
[Enter Dawn, dressed in men’s clothes, as Don,]
Why here’s a likely lass dressed as a lad.

What, have you got the picture of old Adam new-apparelled?

What hammer is this? Which Adam dost thou mean?
Rather, O’ slow-winged turtle, shall a buzzard take thee?

Ay, for a turtle, as he takes a buzzard,
Not that Adam that kept the Paradise but that Adam
that keeps the prison

I understand thee not.
But, come away, you bee, you are too angry.

No? why, 'tis a plain case: he that went,
like abass-viol, in a case of metal; the demon, sir,
that, when gentlemen are tired, gives them a crack
and 'rests them; he, sir, that takes pity on decayed
men and gives them suits of durance; he that sets up
his rest to do more exploits with his mace than a
morris-pike. He that earlier plagued you.
So, take your hammer and let me be off.

What, thou meanest an officer?
Come, let me see the walk. Thou dost not halt.

[Enter Willow]

I’d have shared. I mean
Here comes the almanac of my true date.
What now? how chance thou art return'd so soon?

Return'd so soon! rather approach'd too late:
The capon burns, the pig falls from the spit,
The clock hath strucken twelve upon the bell;
I am so hot because the meat is cold;
The meat is cold because you come not to dinner;
You come not home because you have no stomach;
You have no stomach having broke your fast;
But we that know what 'tis to fast and pray
Are penitent for your default to-day.

Ill met by moonlight,
I said I’d have shared.

I pray you, air, as you sit at dinner:
Methinks your maw, like mine, should be your clock,
And strike you home without a messenger.

Maw and clock indeed,
In this mood, I’ll have none of you.

[Exit Vamp Xander and Willow in opposite directions]

Hmmm. By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wicked this way comes.

[Enter Xander of Oxnard]

Ah, Don, Tell me this, I pray:
Where have you left the hammer that I gave you?

Villain, I have but this very moment,
Given spilled hammer in hand.
Jerk
[Exit Dawn]

Tis a village of witches and madmen.
And I’ve no friends, Romans or countrymen
To lend me their good sense.

[Enter Vamp Willow and Cordelia from opposite sides]

Xander! You’re Alive!
Hey!

Ay, ay, Xander, look strange and frown:
Have you no sweet words?
Some other mistress hath thy sweet aspects;
The time was once when thou unurged wouldst vow
That never words were music to thine ear,
That never object pleasing in thine eye,
That never touch well welcome to thy hand,
That never meat sweet-savor'd in thy taste,
Unless I spake, or look'd, or touch'd, or carved to thee.

Plead you to me, fair dame? I know you not:
In Sunnydale I am but two days old,
As strange unto your town as to your talk;
Who, every word by all my wit being scann'd,
Want wit in all one word to understand.
Moreover, my lady is not one to not revenge,
Faith, then be silent.

Fie, Xander! how the world is changed with you!
When were you wont to use me thus?
I sent for you by Willow to come to dinner.
But I see that as ever you were,
You are a willow wisp with thy affections.

By Willow?

By me?

By thee; and then thou didst return from him,
That he did buffet thee in his words.

He buffet me, rather he the buffet,
And I the served.

[Enters Wesley, holding a cross]

White Hats. Whatever.

[Exit Vamp Willow]

For mine own part, it was Greek to me.

I speak Greek.

And I speak the truth,
And truly that was annoying.

[Exit Cordelia and Wesley]